A deep, deep peace

Having Jeff's mom stay with us should be the most stressful event to occur to us in awhile: a precocious, active 2 yr old and cuddly, adventurous 4 yr old seemed at first nothing compared to adding someone into the family drama with detailed needs unbeknownst to me. But God is so good - he has endowed me with more grace than I thought possible and an indescribable peace.

Like having a newborn around, true sleep rarely occurs as pricked ears await sounds of wandering and worry of what might happen when someone wakes up unfamiliar in foreign territory. What if she tries to open the door and leave? What if...? What if...? I am sicker than I have been in awhile - a viral strep-like infection that had me up all night (save for one hour of dream-loaded snoozing - we had a fridge full of chocolate milk) crying with the agony of swallowing (you can only go so long until the saliva forces you to wince it back with shoulder-rocking pain). And yet with all of this, having Diane here seems a gift.

I haven't been able to work my business and I should feel guilty. I haven't been able to do a lot of things and I should feel wracked with a sense of remorse. And yet I don't. I just feel peace. And a deep compassion. And a connection, if only through being in the same room, or rubbing a shoulder, or smiling across a picnic table.

I keep hearing how devastating Alzheimer's is - and I don't disagree. But when socially embedded expectations are removed it can be quite refreshing. A sense of humour emerges, atleast in Diane's case. Jeff and I have only been married 6 years, and dated 9 months before that, so I don't know Diane in the same way the family did obviously. I don't know the woman they mourn losing. But I doubt that six and half years ago even she would have bumped hips with me in dancing movements about the kitchen, or brought fits of laughter over various things to both of our lips, or caused me to have to be creative in how to affirm her emotions and stories as I hear mixed-up versions for the hundredth time in a row.

I just thank the Lord for this time, for this peace, and for Diane.